Day 4. No sweets (but a close call).
Ben, myself and some intellectuals went to grab chow at Panda Express – the most delicious, generic Chinese cuisine this country has to offer. They have a new entree called Honey Walnut Shrimp which is completely worth the extra dollar. Go now and consume! If not for the shrimp then at least to see all the cute, overwhelming mascots plastered on the restaurant walls…the ceiling…their cups and Styrofoam boxes. Even paintings. Yes, there are paintings of pandas enjoying a moonlit night. A panda munching on bamboo. A panda scratching its butt. Etc. (I seem to write a lot about food, no? Gosh I disgust myself).
After dinner, I got so excited when I looked down and saw a fortune cookie all wrapped in plastic, waiting to be ripped opened and annihilated by my crooked, gnashing teeth (okay, my teeth aren’t that crooked but this is the cookie’s perspective). As soon as I took that first hasty bite, my eyes widened because I realized I had bitten into sin. A no no. A sugary taboo. I looked over at Ben with pleading eyes and said “O noohh! Dis hash shug-uhr!” and quickly spit it out in my napkin. All of it. I tried to get every salivated crumb but I might have digested a few broken bits that couldn’t wait to get into my tummy. They practically forced their way into my esophagus, I swear. Stupid Asian cookie. Anyways, I read my fortune and you know what it said?
“Be cautious of what you bite into. Like this cookie.”
Naaww. I made that up. But seriously, I wanna get a fortune like that one day! Something silly like “You will receive a fortune cookie” or “THAT WASN’T CHICKEN.” After googling “weird fortunes” I found this site that has some stellar (pseudo) fortune cookie lines. Here are my 15 favorite:
1. You will never know the magic word
2. If a pigeon poops on you, do not blame the pigeon. Blame the poop.
3. Ancient Chinese secret: You’re screwed
4. Be decisive. Maybe. If you want to.
5. The Tooth Fairy will step on your face
6. One man’s life is another man’s punchline
7. You’ve always been a little different, haven’t you? Put your clothes back on.
8. Live and don’t learn
9. You will be injured in a disco inferno
10. You will take a long journey and forget to turn off the stove
11. Social Security will run out the day you retire
12. You will throw up on a train
13. You will have one of those days for a year
14. Your guardian angel got laid off
15. Your pets have never liked you
But the best one I’ve read today is in the subject line of this blog. I guess life is like a long, cramped tunnel and we are the wigglers. But no matter how much you wiggle, you will eventually get stuck. And die.
Have you noticed that this is our third time eating out this week? It’s getting ridiculous. We need to save money but it’s just so much fun hanging out with other human beings. Also, I learned that visiting your college campus AFTER you’ve graduated is much more enjoyable. Knowing that you can park on campus and leave whenever you like without needing to turn in an assignment gives me a rush. I passed by the Fine Arts building and did not envy those hard working, half-starved slaves. Not one bit.
Also, I went to fill up my car today at the Smith’s gas station on 4th North and I totally and completely tripped over the cord that’s connected to the pump. Thought I could “climb” over it one leg at a time, but my chunky thighs got in the way and down I went. Smack on the cement ground (I was never good at Chinese jump rope). The old couple sitting in their car across from me looked concerned, mouthing “Are you okay?” Yes I said, giving them a two thumbs up and smiling like an embarrassed idiot.
Swell I am. Like Yoddha would say.