As I was leaving the parking lot of Hobby Lobby, I heard an ad on the radio that stuck out in my mind. Probably because it was retarded. It went something like this:
Nervous guy asks prissy girl “Will you marry me?”
Prissy girl: *Gasp* Where did you get that RING?”
Nervous guy: Morgan Jewelers of course
Prissy girl: Yes! (cause I’m a vain high school drop out who can’t survive without the support of a desperate middle-aged man)
That is the condensed version. But doesn’t this ad remind you of a certain movie from the early 90’s? Yes! The Pebble and the Penguin! An animated film based on the true life mating rituals of the Adelie Penguins in Antarctica. The basic plot of the movie (from our good friend Wiki):
“Hubie, a goofy but kind-hearted penguin, is in love with the beautiful and kind Marina. However, he lacks self-confidence and is bullied by the more impressive but vain and cruel Drake (Tim Curry!) Drake also wants Marina but for purely vain reasons. After a run in with Drake, Hubie and Marina share a song under the moonlight and their feelings are confirmed for each other. Hubie, however, is luckless in finding a perfect pebble to propose to Marina with and wishes on a star to make his dream come true. An emerald falls from the sky next to Hubie. Ecstatic, Hubie rushes to find Marina when Drake tries to steal it and knocks him off the ice. Hubie is swept away and is nearly killed by a leopard seal.”
If you think about it, we’re nothing but a bunch of primitive monkeys looking for the next big, shiny lump of coal to woo our monkey friends with. We think we’re soooo cool and advanced with our velvet-lined ring boxes and cheap cologne, but that only proves one thing. We’re lazy! Lets compare.
The male Bower bird decorates his bachelor pad with an assortment of random objects as gifts for the bird ladies – anything from flowers, feathers, stones, glass, plastics, etc. that he himself collects. With his mouth. And he even sticks to one color (ex. all things blue). Masked boobies, in addition to gifts, offer a small token of themselves in the form of feathers. That is true love right there. You will never see a human man rip a chunk of hair off his head and offer it to the woman he’s lusting after (the weird blood vile thing between Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob doesn’t count). Instead, the human man casually walks into a shop that sells already-polished stones and points to one (signaling that he wants it). The store keeper puts it in a mini casket and voila. An engagement ring, ready to dazzle any she-human (unless it is marquise-shaped with a yellow-gold band).
Don’t get me wrong. I LOOOOVE my ring. Ben did good (no, great!) and I wouldn’t trade it for any crap from Morgan Jewelers. In fairness to man, his form of monetary payment is a symbol of hard labor so it makes human courting somewhat “majestic” (I mean, that’s like a two-month salary for the average male homo sapien). But honestly. Our method of mating just doesn’t compare to the Adelie penguins who have to resort to pebble stealing or the Bower birds who desperately litter their own beds in hopes of getting laid. I have heard of rare cases where the human man surprise-proposes to his woman in a magical land of over-sized mice and ducks (anyone else seen that video?) or that one guy who went as far as taking his woman into another COUNTRY…possibly involving a giant garden…just so he could do the deed. But again, those are rare cases.
Lesson of the day:
When it comes to courtship, mankind has nothing on the animal kingdom.