the test

I keep having the same, reoccurring dream. More like a nightmare. I’m back in high school in Mr. Daly’s calculus class and we’re about to have a test, only I’m not prepared for it. In last night’s dream, I completely forgot to study (yet again) and was terror-stricken, about to piss in my pants. So I beg my older sister to grab my textbook from my locker…hoping that I can memorize a few last-minute formulas. For the duration of the dream I’m a restless, fidgeting mess, pacing around the classroom and asking my classmates if they forgot to study as well (cause that always made me feel better knowing I wasn’t the only one). About once every one or two weeks, I have this dream and experience pure, paralyzing terror.

Can anyone tell me what this means?? I haven’t been in Mr. Davey’s class for over five years and only had to take one math course in all four years of college. Here’s what my google search proposes:

Test/exam dreams usually involve the following:

1. Being unable to write in an examination (this is the most common dream)
2. The test is given in an unknown language which you’re not familiar with
3. Inability to complete the examination paper
4. Arriving late to the examination hall
5. The pencil tip keeps breaking continuously during the exam
6. Arriving at the examination without being prepared for it < this is it!
7. Searching desperately for the examination room
8. Unable to find the seat

What do test dreams signify?

1. If you dream that you are taking an examination, then the interpretation would be that you are being tested or scrutinized by someone else.
2. Anxiousness or restlessness in the mind
3. Fear of failure
4. Lack of confidence
5. Low moral or self-esteem
6. Not being able to meet up with others expectations
7. Fear of unacceptability by peers and family
8. Not being prepared for a forthcoming challenge
9. The thought of being judged
10. Failure to see ones own shortcomings
11. You are not sure of your own abilities
12. You have set high ambitions for yourself

So I think any of the first 11 meanings could apply to me because, like most people, I have A MYRIAD of insecurities. I worry too much about what others think and therefore do things for the wrong reasons. I have an over-fear of being judged and not liked. I’m scared that I’ll say the wrong thing at work and look like a fool (probably already have). I have fears about religion and my own beliefs…about disappointing my family and friends based on the decisions I’ll make in the future. I worry that I don’t call my mom enough and that one day she’ll blow up in my face, telling me I’m an uncompassionate child who has a lack of concern for her elders (weird I know). I worry about how I’ll look at my high school reunion. I worry about getting old too fast and not being able to stop the acceleration. I worry about losing loved ones which causes me to think dark thoughts (i.e. me ending up in an insane asylum because I can’t handle the emotional pain). I hate myself for not being tall enough and having a round jaw structure. I hate that my eye sight’s so poor. I hate the way my toes look. I hate how tanned I was back in fourth grade and refuse to acknowledge old pictures. I hate that I don’t speak loud enough and people don’t hear my cool, witty jokes cause I have the volume of a mouse. I hate that there’s so many things I hate.

The list goes on! No wonder I keep having this bizarre dream. I know what some people would tell me: You have to love yourself more! You’re beautiful just the way God made you. Be grateful you even have toes. I wish I could tan as well as you. Your parents love you and will never disown you. Don’t worry about the roundness of your face…at least you have dimples! You can always get Lasek.

True, true. I just can’t let certain things get to me. I can’t continue worrying excessively about public opinion otherwise I’ll die at 35 from some weird cancer brought on by stress. I have to listen to IZ’s “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” more cause that song always puts me in a good mood. I need to be sweeter to my husband and never take him for granted (which I do a lot during that time of the month). I should exercise. I really am blessed to have 10 toes and should wear sandals to celebrate. Just writing all this out makes me feel better :) Maybe I won’t have the weird dream anymore! Not likely. But having a blog, I realize, is therapeutic and sometimes I just need to see myself type it out. In times of mental turmoil, some people cry. Some people scream. Some people punch. Some people binge. Some people shut down. Some people work out. And some people type.


2 thoughts on “the test

  1. unsparetreat says:

    Wow, I have that dream too. You sound like my soul sister. I feel much better now thank-you. It’s so bad thinking you’re the only one.
    Is there a good dream site? I have a few recurring others to check out.

    • I’m not the only one, phew! So glad to hear we’re on the same rocky boat. I’ve only had that nightmare once or twice since writing this post (maybe I’m dreading my high school reunion?) Yes, I wish good dreams outnumbered bad ones but the frightful stuff is so much easier to remember…I guess since you wake up in a sweat.

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